Day 1

I have been reading the gospels lately because someone once told me that you should always be reading a gospel. Even if you’re reading another book of the Bible you should be reading a gospel at the same time. So I’ve been doing so. Right now I’m in John and on the very first day that I begin my journey against the temptation of over indulging and focusing on food, the Lord shows me this verse in John chapter 4:

“Meanwhile his disciples urged him, ‘Rabbi eat something.’ But he said to them, ‘I have food to eat that you know nothing about.’ Then his disciples said to each other, ‘Could someone have brought him food?’ ‘My food,’ said Jesus, ‘is to do the will of him who sent me and to finish his work.” John 4:31-34

Jesus is not concerned about eating physical food. He is so focused on doing the will of his father that eating seems unimportant. Obviously Jesus believes that eating and food or necessary or He wouldn’t of provided 5 thousand people with a surplus of bread and fish, but His first priority is to do the will of His Father. My focus should never be on eating. My focus should be on the will of my Father. If I were to spend all of my time serving, loving and in the word, I doubt I would want to overindulge in things of this world. I would understand that food is merely a tool to sustain the body that holds my spirit: the spirit that can love and share God’s truth with others.

Today I ate grilled fish fillet with sauteed tomatoes and about of cup of pasta with a cube of butter. I also had a cup of green tea with honey. I’m trying to drink plenty of water to make sure I’m hydrated. I’ve also started up with my vitamins again. I’m not going to obsess over food because then it will distract me from the true purpose of life, but I am going to make sure that I don’t over eat.

I won’t be weighing myself…and I’m not sure when I’ll ever get back on the scale. I’ve realized that a number has always dictated the way I feel about my body or sometimes myself as a person. I’m not going to let that happen anymore, God’s going to decide that and according to Him I am His precious child whom He wants in His kingdom FOREVER. That sounds pretty great to me. When I’ve reached the body I think is healthy, I’ll know, I don’t need a scale to tell me how I feel. Also you must know that this is not a diet. This is simply me reevaluating how I eat and my mindset about my body- I want this area of my life to being glorifying to God as well as all the other parts of life.

The Background of My Struggle

I cannot remember the last time I didn’t worry about losing weight or worried about what I ate. Maybe when I was in 5^th grade…I think that was the last time I didn’t worry about these kinds of things. But now as I reflect I even remember being in 4^th grade and hating that my thighs were so much “bigger” than my best friends’. How sad right? I mean the things us girls torment ourselves with. I have never been what you call fat. Actually, while growing up I was quite skinny. Then in 8^th grade I got curves and had a wonderful form until my sophomore year. At the end of my freshmen year I wanted to be skinnier and I did a diet that cut out all carbs. Well, I got down to 129lbs. and was so proud of myself. Being young and a stupid dieting girl, I went back to how I ate before (eating carbs and such) and I gained back double of the weight I had lost. Here is where it all spiraled out of control. For the next 4 years of my life I would be fighting weight loss: gaining a total of 40lbs. in 4 years. Over the four years I would lose 10-15lbs and then gain it back then lose 5 then gain 10 then lose 15 then gain 5…all in all it was and to this very day is a mess! I currently had my 19^th birthday and I way 170lbs. On my 15^th birthday I weighed 130…. Obviously I have reached an unhealthy weight and it’s time to get my spiritual, mental and physical health under control from a weight loss aspect.

Over the past 4 years I have dealt with binge eating and then extreme dieting and exercising. I’ll eat super healthy for a week straight maybe 3 weeks and then BAM! The binge hits and I’m a square one. From what I’ve heard I’m not the only girl who deals with this, I think there are a lot of us. But after four years of countless nights filled with crying as I stare in the mirror and so wish I had my 15 year old body…I’ve realized I’ve been going about this struggle all the wrong way. I’ve been focusing inward, what I can do, trying to motivate myself by looking at pictures of fit women and making myself feel bad about my body. My best friend looks like a supermodel and I tell myself Do you really want her to outshine you you’re entire life… I mean really!!! These methods were not creating a healthy mindset. I was trying to do things all on my own.

I am a disciple of the Lord Jesus Christ. He is my love and I strive to be like Him each day. Right now I feel so close to the Lord and He is really stripping my heart and creating something new. I LOVE HIM. So since the Lord is there for me in every other aspect of my life, why was I not turning to Him for this GIANT problem that is forever present? Yes I’ve asked him to help me before and take away my obsession with my body image, to take away my cravings for food…such and such. But now I know that I have to daily lay this struggle before Him, more than that, I have to lay it before Him every hour.

I decided to write down my thoughts and begin my health transformation, (a long journey, but I’m so ready!) by studying the Bible. I’m going to figure out what God has to say about my sinful gorging and gluttony. I’m going to lay out all my fears, my struggles, all of it! –each day.

As I start I need to give you a little more of background on me. My family is all skinny, except me…the skinny gene skipped a member or something. I’ve always loved playing sports and exercising-exercising is not an issue. I love healthy food but I’m a sucker for carbs and dessert! I have great will-power in every other area of my life. I’ve never had issues with getting guys to notice me because I have a curvy figure but now my curvy figure is no longer just curves. I have a really bubbly personality and I love making friends. I’ve always tried to make sure that my body image struggles don’t get in the way of me making friends or having a good time. Quite honestly, sometimes it did. I didn’t want to do certain activities because I was scared people would think she’s too fat to be doing that. I believe that the Lord gave me this struggle so that I am forced to rely on Him every day. Just like I believe alcoholics, drug attics and gay people should fight their struggle every day to not give into temptation and lay their struggle before our Savior, I believe my food problem is the same thing. I have to lay before Him my desire to binge, eat too much and be a glutton every day, every hour, every meal!

I hope you read my journey and are encouraged yourself. I don't know how long this whole renewing of my body and mind will take but I'll be here writing it all down and letting you know what the Bible says and what I feel like God has been revealing to me. I'm the kind of person who needs accountability. In all honesty I am so embarrassed to reveal all of this but I think it will motivate me to write it all out. Please let me know what you think, if you have any questions or any words of encouragement!